The Lord's Blessing

My devotional today spoke so poignantly of what I have been feeling and have experienced through this year of turmoil and hardship. Craig and I had been praying and asking God if it was His will for another child in our family. Given my health issues and the pain that comes with them we wondered whether we should even consider trying for another child. We lifted it up to God and we tried for months...to no avail. Because one of my diseases can cause infertility I gave up hope of having another child and assumed that this was it for our family. I was not at peace like I should have been. Thoughts of our future and me as a grandmother wishing she had had one more child haunted me. Would I be okay with what God had already blessed us with, so many of my friends have not been able to have children and yet here I was pouting for the blessings I already had. Craig and I talked and we prayed to God together and we tried one more time. This time I got an overwhelming sense of peace. In my heart I knew it was over...this was my family and I was happy that the Lord had blessed us this much.

We adopted our rescue dog Chip and we were moving forward with our lives. Craig and I were leading a Marriage class at church based on the movie Fireproof and we were seeing many blessings in the lives of couples who sought to give their marriages to God. And then I took the test...I was pregnant. My emotions were so mixed now. With my other two I had known I was pregnant and with this pregnancy I had given it to the Lord and my peace had come (so I thought) with knowing this was it-no more children. I worried so much during the pregnancy. I was sick, my fibromyalgia and IC flared, I was exhausted and weepy. I was scared I would lose this child so I refused to get attached.

Then Craig was one of the first people laid off from his job. It was right before the holidays...and severance only lasted until mid November. We saw people and even children giving our children a Christmas that we had never been able to give them before. People brought us ham dinners and the church helped us with provisions until we could apply for food stamps and Medicaid. We were humbled to accept "handouts" (what we were taught as children). We cried as we were gratefully approved and thanked God even though in our hearts we wished we didn't have to take this "help". We cried when people we barely knew came out of the woodwork of our church and stood by calling every week bringing food, clothing for our children, and even shared an expensive birthday dinner with us when Trinity's birthday fell around the same time as theirs did. We cried when our tax refund came in and we were able to give back to the church all they had helped us with. But we still felt (and feel) an overwhelming need to give back even though we have so little. We know even in our desperate times we still have more than so many others in this world. We know that God humbled us to see how little we actually have before this and He has called us to give more.

I was blessed yet again, to have my sister in my life again after 10 long years. Being able to have my one living sister in my life again had been such a heart wrenching prayer for the last ten years it was something I had asked God if it would ever happen. And to have her and my family back in my life after all the pain we had gone through as a family gave me such a peace in that very hollow place in my life I can't even begin to describe it...at least not without many tears.

And through all of the financial struggles and blessings from the Lord...problems with my pregnancy resolve. Annaliese Faith is born on Mother's Day and I thank God for this blessing I now wonder how I could have ever lived without. I thank God for my children who are so beautiful and smart. Trinity has already accepted Christ into her life and she will be baptized this summer. Brendan is learning about God and talking more about Him and loves the bible stories. It is a blessing to know my children will have this rock solid foundation of faith that I didn't. They will see that God doesn't keep tragedy and hardship from occuring but He will bless them and provide for them and grow them closer to Him.

Then I read my devotional today and it's exactly what I have experienced through this year:
"He laid His right hand on me . . ." ( Revelation 1:17 ). In the midst of the awesomeness, a touch comes, and you know it is the right hand of Jesus Christ. You know it is not the hand of restraint, correction, nor chastisement, but the right hand of the Everlasting Father. Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the sense that "underneath are the everlasting arms" ( Deuteronomy 33:27 ), full of support, provision, comfort, and strength. And once His touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again. In the midst of all His ascended glory, the Lord Jesus comes to speak to an insignificant disciple, saying, "Do not be afraid" ( Revelation 1:17 ). His tenderness is inexpressibly sweet. Do I know Him like that? (from My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers)

We will still struggle to pay for our home and bills and feed our family as we wait for a job to open up for Craig...but God has given us overwhelming peace and blessing and He never left us alone. I have no doubt in that now. And though others may be like Job's friends to us (wondering if we did something to deserve this hardship) I know that His Hand is upon us to give us peace, support, comfort, strength, and provision as we not only endure but grow during this time.