Lovely Fibro

I am just on a posting roll today...so no one will probably believe how bad my fibro has actually flared this week. But it has. I have really bad back pain after each pregnancy. Really I don't see how any woman who has had the joy of growing a 7 plus pound baby for 9 months then through sleep deprivation and breastfeeding 24/7 could not have some kind of aches and pains. But my back is causing so much pain that I wake up every night between 3 and 4 and cannot move. I feel the pain but my back muscles will not allow me to move without more horrible pain. I can't lie down and sleep because the pain is excruciating. So I prop up my pillows and sit up and try to fall back to sleep with the heating pad behind my back and pop four more advil and stay awake until about 6. Then I'm able to lie back down on my side feed Annaliese (if I haven't already been) and sleep until 7 or 8.

This is the definition for Fibromyalgia:

Fibromyalgia (pronounced fy-bro-my-AL-ja) is a common and complex chronic pain disorder that affects people physically, mentally and socially. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome rather than a disease. Unlike a disease, which is a medical condition with a specific cause or causes and recognizable signs and symptoms, a syndrome is a collection of signs, symptoms, and medical problems that tend to occur together but are not related to a specific, identifiable cause.

Fibromyalgia, which has also been referred to as fibromyalgia syndrome, fibromyositis and fibrositis, is characterized by chronic widespread pain, multiple tender points, abnormal pain processing, sleep disturbances, fatigue and often psychological distress. For those with severe symptoms, fibromyalgia can be extremely debilitating and interfere with basic daily activities.

The fatigue is unreal. This week I feel like a walking zombie just kind of floating in this body of mine and not really existing. I know it's because I haven't slept well for months and I know I'm not normally like this. But the toll it takes on my life, my emotional state, and me physically makes me so depressed. I see my mom who is strong and in her sixties and doing so much manual labor and I feel so lazy and inadequate. My biggest question is why can't my body cooperate with my mind. I've never been a lazy person in fact for years I drove Craig crazy because I was constantly going and only the flu or some bad virus could keep me from goals and day to day chores I had to do. Fast forward to now and I often feel like a loser and outsider to my friends who go to church and have had babies and are just doing it all and are so together. Hard working and together- that's how my mom raised us, that's how my sister is...that's how I'm supposed to be. But no matter how many times I pray for this lovely fibro to never rear it's ugly head again, to have my interstitial cystitis to be cured, to not hurt from the endometriosis, God has chosen not to answer these prayers in my favor. I used to get mad. Mainly because I didn't want the pain and partly because people get annoyed with me. A lot of people have mentioned that I should just get over it and "try" harder...or my favorite isn't there some drug you could take. I have taken the drugs recommended and I can't function with children to care for and have a normal life on antidepressants that don't fix the problem but just mask it.

Finally, I realized as I read about Paul in New Testament. He had a painful affliction...some guess it was blindness or maybe something painful in his legs. We really don't know but the emphasis is that he realizes that God means the pain for good and God doesn't take it away. I am pretty headstrong like Paul and as I stated above I never stopped going until knocked down by some sickness. I realize that God has meant these diseases and syndromes for my own good and my growing relationship with him.

I have given up the prayer to cure my illnesses because I really believe it's to humble me and keep me close to God. I believe he uses it to talk with anyone I meet who suffers these same pains or any disease/syndrome that we have to live with. It allows me to share my faith and the comfort that God alone can give me. I do still struggle with all the things I need and want to do with my family that my body doesn't have to energy to do anymore. If I push myself harder I end up in bed or in worse pain for a week or two after. But mentally it takes it's toll. With Craig starting this ministry I want so much to go out and get a job to help out (not that I could find one anyway in this economy) but my body has different ideas. I can't wait to be in heaven without the burden of this body and all it's pains. I hope my children never have to go through any of it. I can only pray that they aren't as hard headed as me and will learn without pain and disease/syndromes to be humble before the Lord.