Envy rears it's ugly head

Ok, first off I am not proud of myself this week AT ALL!  I have been struggling to get through home school all week and feeling like I am doing my job as a mama, teacher, and wife all with mediocrity at best.  Yes, the kids have been sick, yes my back is still not allowing me to sleep, and yes we are still going through the adversity of having no job and waiting anxiously to hear if we will be approved (and actually able to pay) for the modified home loan.  So it's no great surprise that all week I have been looking around at friends and even family wondering when is this going to end.  And unfortunately this then leads my brain to,  "Why can't I ....fill in the blank with anything I'm envying at the time (be it sleep and no back pain to function like a wonderful mother and wife should or money to pay our bills and not be on friggin' food stamps, etc.,).

I even got to go to the salon and get my hair trimmed and highlighted this past Tuesday because my sweet stylist (who knows our financial situation) sent me a 50% off coupon for her services.  It turned out to be a great visit because she is going through a really really hard patch with her family and I was able to pray for her and encourage her but of course I still felt so guilty about actually spending that money to get a hair cut.  I kept thinking is it wrong to get my hair cut when we are still trying to pay the mortgage and are still behind this month and is it wrong to be here when the kids are sick at home with Craig.  I am not even happy with my color this time (she put lowlights in to break up the blonde and it looks gray to me) and I think, "see if you had just gotten the trim you wouldn't be unhappy with the color (minus the lovely root growth) and you would have more money for something else".

I even got angry at Trinity this week during school and I had to leave and calm down.  I hate my temper and I just know when that flares I get so ugly and so do my words.  I was angry because when I ask her a question she starts to get so afraid of telling me the wrong answer that she won't answer my question and just acts frozen with fear.  I asked her, "Trinity, have I ever laid a hand on you?  Do you really think I care more about this stupid math problem than you?  I don't care if you get it wrong but don't be afraid of me!!"  Finally, we hugged and cried it out.  It turns out she feels like if she gets her answer wrong that I won't love her and will be mad at her!  I asked where in the world did she get that idea!  I had to tell her over and over again I just want her best work and if her best means that she is not good at math -I DON'T CARE!!!  Being perfect at math or anything else for that matter never made me love her anymore than I already do.

I know that feeling of jealousy just exacerbates everything we're going through...and I really hate that.  I am praying constantly that God will move us through this hard time quickly and I know that I will never forget the lessons he's taught me.  And I will never again think I am better than I am or know better than Him!  That is for sure!