Revelation

I had my post-op appointment yesterday and during it after it I praised God again for a Christian doctor.  He tells me things straight, he's very dry, and he's the most spiritual, humble, and excellent physician.  He was getting on to me for taking for granted the fact that I'm just over two weeks out of surgery and doing so well.  He was telling Craig that I need more alone time.  Meaning without the kids to worry about.  I kind of panic because the kids are my life now.  I've wanted children since I can remember and I actually enjoy being with them and spending time with them.  Imagine that!  Especially since I'm around them 24/7 with homeschool and no other occupation to take me my attention from them.

But I know he's right, too.  When help cancelled on me two days before my surgery (and just to note for a very selfish reason and I had asked them a month ahead of time for the help) I started getting down.  But I knew I needed this surgery.  I was in so much pain and I couldn't hold off any longer.  So Craig worked from home (a.k.a. was in his office working from 10am-7pm with only a lunch break to help me out) the week after my surgery.  I was so miffed all week and feeling extremely sorry for myself.  I wished my mom were here to take care of me.  I wished that it could be my turn for once to be taken care of.  But the kids needed me and I needed to get over myself and get back to work 3 days after my surgery.  And I did.  And Trinity was a fantastic helper even though she couldn't do much more than pick up Annaliese and set her on my lap.

Before my post-op appointment, and with every doctor visit, I always get antsy.  I never knew why until yesterday.  The doctor laid alot on the table including the fact that he can't fix me but only make me comfortable.  I had a peace when I left but Craig and I were quiet on the way home.  Once home I started making lunch and Craig got back to work.  I went to bring him his lunch and started talking and making sure he was ok.  As we talked I tearfully realized that it wasn't just the fact that people close to us let me down after my surgery, it was that I wanted people I love and that know me to understand why I can't do the things they do or live the way they live.  But too often I end up hurt because I'm supposed to suck it up or just do what others want.  Especially since there isn't a specific reason for all my pain.

There is no cure for what I have (perhaps other than a hysterectomy) and because it's so far inside my body and not an outward limp or physicality that people can touch or see people take for granted that at that very moment I may be in excruciating pain and it isn't noticeable.  And then it dawned on me.  I got antsy every time I went to the doctor because my heart was screaming to God, "Let them tell me they saw something.  Let them say, 'Wow!  Now I see why you are having this pain!  ____  is your diagnosis.'".  But I never hear that.  I hear God uses our weakness to rely on him humbly and that our bodies are breaking down and "I can keep you comfortable but I can't cure you".  I hear that I probably have adenomyosis (endometriosis inside the uterine wall) and only a hysterectomy can help the pain.  And I hear "don't be so hard and stressed on yourself" and "I can see your stressed from a mile away".  "Be kind to yourself because it wreaks havoc on your health".

And then yesterdays devotion that I finally read while putting Annaliese to sleep last night just blessed my soul after all truth was poured on my heart.  I'll leave you with that:

""Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." 2 Cor 3:4-6


Life is filled with struggles that reveal human inadequacy.  Physical problems leave us weak and unable to cope, relational troubles bring confusion and stress, continual battles with bad habits and addictions make us feel defeated, and financial or job demands damage our self-worth.  No one likes the frustration and fear of facing challenges which are too big to handle, but God can use them for our good.


Maybe you have never considered inadequacy a blessing.  After all, it arouses all sorts of uncomfortable emotions that make us feel useless, insignificant, and weak.  But God can turn all the negatives into blessing if we acknowledge our helplessness, depend on His strength, and step into our challenges with confidence in Him.


Inadequacy can be a blessing since it...
1. Drives us to God as we recognize our helplessness. (my doctor told me this in my appointment!)
2. Relieves us of the burden of trying to do God's will in our own strength. (I'm always struggling with this)
3. Motivates us to live in the power of the Holy Spirit. (absolutely I yearn for the H.S. to lead me b/c I'm so weak)
4. Provides the Lord an opportunity to demonstrate what He can do. (I'm always looking for His awesome miracles which I took for granted before all this mess)
5. Increases our usefulness to God by humbling our pride. (He's still working on the pride...whew I've got a lot of it!)
6. Allows Christ to receive all the glory.
7. Gives peace as we rely on Him. (Amen and Amen to 6&7)


Through the power of the Holy Spirit, believers have the ability to endure difficulty or accomplish whatever the Lord calls them to do.  By claiming the adequacy of Christ, we can face every circumstance with a sense of awesome confidence, not in ourselves but in God, who is totally capable." In Touch. September 7, 2010. Charles F. Stanley.


Now tell me that God doesn't still talk to us?